Liverpool Capital of Culture? My arse!
June 1st 2008 IBS blog
Zil and my goodself spent bank holiday in Liverpool now re badged as europes
capital of culture. Now visiting a city that pronounces itsself as europes
capital of culture means that certain expectaions have to be met such
as Theatres and Museums being open but heres what actually happened....
Arrived Sunday night and booked into the Adelphi hotel in the heart of Liverpool. Whilst the entrance of the hotel was spectacular, crowned with a shimmering chandalier the promise of a luxury shone brilliantly until we entered our room which did not have a stand alone shower. In fact all the standard rooms didn't have stand alone showers instead the bath taps were hooked up to a shower head. Dissapointment number one.
We went out that night to china town. Hand in hand we walked into the entrance of china town when when Liverpool scores its first culture point. Splashed over the wall of a derelict building (and theres quite a few in the centre) was an original Bansky stencil. A giant ganster rat holding a heighlighter pen stares out nonchalantly. Wow things are looking up I thought, Ive always wanted to see an original Banksy. The meal was oustanding too, I had the best chinese meal fullstop, the squid was real catch.
On they back to the hotel we stopped at neon clad restaurant for a cocktail and as i sat there sipping on the booze medley to the sounds of Tony Christie I felt assured tomorrow my need for aspirational art would rise as high as the liver birds perched on the Liverpool skyline, clearly silhoutted from our 4th floor bedroom window.
In bed with Zil the bed squeeked loud as the finished the night of to the rythm of the night. (there's something about a hotel room that gets me excited)
Next morning we hotfooted it to the the Tate at the Docks. The zeitgeist of contemporay art my appetite for an injection of imagination to open my office workers calcified imagination waited patiently. But...wait for it...the top floor, the bit you pay for to see specialist exhibitions was closed. Surely not, maybe the closed sign was art in itself but no it was actually closed. Dissapointment number two.
With our backs turned on the Tate and walking back into the city centre you can see where the cheque Liverpool cashed for bagging the capital of culture actually went, new construction not art experiences. The docks is now over shadowed by skyscrapers crowned by cranes, theres building everywhere, lots of room for business' but no room for culture.
But hope that the badge of capital of culture was more than a print on a tourists T shirt stayed open as Zil and me navigated our way through the roadworks to the open eye gallergy. A keen photographer my self I wanted to feel inspired, frame my hope that the city of culture would invite me into a cutting edge photography museum. But on arrival it was shut, yes the bloody thing was closed. Dissapointment three. Time to go home and leave Liverpool as the capital of art closure and my ibs had the last review... a giant raspberry.
Big brother gives me the ibs shits
June 5th 2008 IBS blog
Like a returning on screen plague big brother returns and the reminder that TV can kick off my ibs faster than any food intolerance strikes deep in my guts. I'm on a mission to avoid any exposure to the big brother virus. I know this is going to be a challenge, it will mean avoiding channel 4, radio one, newspapers, not going into my lycos eMail account, plugging my ears when i go into the office blah blah blah.
How depressing. The realisation I cant inoculate myself from a collection of narcissistic shits screaming look at me look at me frustrates me. But why has there been no representation of an ibs sufferer on the show? Its clear the researchers are carefull to pick all ethnic creeds and mental states but wheres the ibs sufferer? Its estimated that 20% of the UK population suffers from irritable bowel syndrome theres never one in the big brother house....
Raising ibs awareness
I've just had an epiphany... I will represent the ibs sufferer, I will enter big brother 2009 with my guts ready to speak out to the masses. I would be lethal in the jacuzzi, I would gas them in their bunks, I would blow off at meal times. I would argue that ibs is a condition and I can't help it, If i need to blow off then get over it, 20% of the UK population purport to having ibs and I'm raising awareness.
Maybe I would win big brother 2009 for making them all suffer and that's what we really want to see is them suffer. Up until now i always perceived my ibs as a social handicap but in the big brother house it would be a deadly gift. I would silence them with the chloroform of my chatting buttocks
Liverpool Capital of Culture? My arse!
June 1st 2008 IBS blog
Zil and my goodself spent bank holiday in Liverpool now re badged as europes
capital of culture. Now visiting a city that pronounces itsself as europes
capital of culture means that certain expectaions have to be met such
as Theatres and Museums being open but heres what actually happened....
Arrived Sunday night and booked into the Adelphi hotel in the heart of Liverpool. Whilst the entrance of the hotel was spectacular, crowned with a shimmering chandalier the promise of a luxury shone brilliantly until we entered our room which did not have a stand alone shower. In fact all the standard rooms didn't have stand alone showers instead the bath taps were hooked up to a shower head. Dissapointment number one.
We went out that night to china town. Hand in hand we walked into the entrance of china town when when Liverpool scores its first culture point. Splashed over the wall of a derelict building (and theres quite a few in the centre) was an original Bansky stencil. A giant ganster rat holding a heighlighter pen stares out nonchalantly. Wow things are looking up I thought, Ive always wanted to see an original Banksy. The meal was oustanding too, I had the best chinese meal fullstop, the squid was real catch.
On they back to the hotel we stopped at neon clad restaurant for a cocktail and as i sat there sipping on the booze medley to the sounds of Tony Christie I felt assured tomorrow my need for aspirational art would rise as high as the liver birds perched on the Liverpool skyline, clearly silhoutted from our 4th floor bedroom window.
In bed with Zil the bed squeeked loud as the finished the night of to the rythm of the night. (there's something about a hotel room that gets me excited)
Next morning we hotfooted it to the the Tate at the Docks. The zeitgeist of contemporay art my appetite for an injection of imagination to open my office workers calcified imagination waited patiently. But...wait for it...the top floor, the bit you pay for to see specialist exhibitions was closed. Surely not, maybe the closed sign was art in itself but no it was actually closed. Dissapointment number two.
With our backs turned on the Tate and walking back into the city centre you can see where the cheque Liverpool cashed for bagging the capital of culture actually went, new construction not art experiences. The docks is now over shadowed by skyscrapers crowned by cranes, theres building everywhere, lots of room for business' but no room for culture.
But hope that the badge of capital of culture was more than a print on a tourists T shirt stayed open as Zil and me navigated our way through the roadworks to the open eye gallergy. A keen photographer my self I wanted to feel inspired, frame my hope that the city of culture would invite me into a cutting edge photography museum. But on arrival it was shut, yes the bloody thing was closed. Dissapointment three. Time to go home and leave Liverpool as the capital of art closure and my ibs had the last review... a giant raspberry.
Velvet toilet paper says love your bum not your mum
June 18th 2008 IBS blog
All ibs suffers have a special affinity with toilet paper. Now when I bought toilet paper not so long back you had two choices the supermarket brand or Andrex now the choices are endless - recycled, moist, patterned, fragranced the list goes on.
But what really gets my irritable bowel syndrome sizzling is Velvet Toilet Tissues ad campaign "Love Your Bum". Love your bum!!?? Love your Mum, yes Love your partner Yes, Love your family yes but Love your bum!
Marketeers know that the word love is an emotive sales hook, its been used in campaigns before, "I love NY", "all because the lady Loves Milk Tray" and I cant think of any more examples but you get the message. But asking us to love your bum is just way outside my affection radar.
Is my ibs a cry for love?
But maybe Ive got it wrong maybe I should love my Bum. Yes In fact i'm not going to work today I'm going to ring in and tell them I'm taking time out to love my bum, maybe thats why ive got ibs, maybe if I loved my bum my ibs would go away. Yes, yes thats it I'm going to lOve my bum, it suddesnly makes sense makes sense my bum cant leave me, it will always be part of me, yes it may fall out with me every so often with bottom burps and diahorrea but if i love my bum maybe my ibs would get better.
Velvet toilet tissue I salute you with my middle finger for making us all realise we should be loving our bums not our mums, partners and anything else that gets in the way of us buying your bog roll.
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