Refusal to let go of a dream

March 1st 2008 IBS Blog

Have you ever been terrified by acknowleding what you really want to be? Have you crossed that line and pursued that dream knowing that you'll be heart brocken if its not realised? Two years ago I knew I wanted more than anything to be a stand up comedian. That realisation terrified me, how could I ever be a stand up comedian but I made a promise to myself that I'd live my life with no regrets, I'd never be able to look back and say, damn if only....So this is my cross to bear, I've picked the toughest job and I cant let go.

Last night I performed infront of 8 miserable comedians and two regular punters in a room that looked like an interogation centre. When I walked on some were texting others starring at me nonchalantly with their arms crossed. I felt their disaproval. After my third joke flat lined I was ready to quit and quit permanently. Why was I putting myself through this? I'd driven over to Manchester in Hurricane conditions to experience rejection by my peers. Then something clicked in side me, fuck them. I made a half decent recovery but all in all I felt violated, again for the second time in a row on stage. I walked out of that shithole of a club and promised to myself thats it, I cant take the rejection anymore, its like getting dumped by your girlfriend and you've no idea why. Then something inside me keeps telling me to keep going, you cant give up, you've got something to say your not useless.

Stand up is like a drug, you just keep going back for one more hit. Sometimes I wish my first gig was a total disaster but some sick bastard laughed at me know I'm destined to chase that buz. I dont like comedians (well the majority off them, there are some nice ones out there but i cant name them else I'll blow the whole anonymity thing). Bitter open mic circuit comedians take themselves so seriously you want to stuff a christmas cracker joke down there gobs and pull each end of there body off and see if theres anything funny in side.

I'm a total obsessive. I cant stop myself listening to conversations and mentally recording them for potential material. Today I'm sitting in the wardrobe pub Leeds with my friends and one of them comments that there loosing their lust for life, "Do you remeber at school when you were asked what you'd do if a nuclear bomb went off and you had 5 mins to live and we all replied orgy. Now If i had 5 mins to live I'd like a nice glass of red with a tub of green olives stuffed with garlic as snogging any one would be the last thing on my mind."

Suffice to say my irritable bowels were irritated before and after walking onto the gallows / stage

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

March 8th 2008 IBS blog

If you've made a doctors appointment to get some answers to why your bottom burps and loo visits are more frequent than Amy Winehouses' rehab attempts then you better be ready for some serious Q & A of the rectal kind.

Doc asks - " So tell me about your stools, pellet or solid, any blood or mucus?"

Me - "Ermmm. Cant say Ive looked, I mean yes I have a quick look maybe out of morbid fascination or just to re assure myself but Its an image i dont freeze frame."

Doc - "Any blood in the faeces, or toilet paper?"

Me - "Occassionally on the toilet paper but Ive never detected it in the poo"

Doc - "That sounds good. It means if there is bleeding its coming from your anus and not internally never the less I'm going to examine you , lie on the couch and relax"

Internal thought - "Sorry for a moment there I thought you asked me to relax so you can put a finger in me. Now I'm tense :-( have I got bowel cancer? Internal thought interupted by the sound of latex rubber gloves snapping to fit and the squeezing pops of lube. Oh jesus Oh Jesus any desperate moment now a a male is going to push a finger in me and Ive got to relax.

The finger in my but is over after a few seconds. I dress sit down and carry on the formal Doc to Patient dialogue.

Doc - "Nothing to worry about no lumps. So your diet have you noticed any correlation between what you eat and your loo habits?
This was another question I couldnt really answer, maybe I was still in shock from the examination but it was clear I wasnt giving the doctor inforamtion on my stools and diet.

Despite me dismissing food diaries as impracticable it looks like I'm going to have to do one and a after roam around on the internet i noticed than none of the IBS free download food diaries had included making observations about your poo. Big mistake. So I'm going to record and publish a diary which i shall call "The Improved IBS food diary".Improved because unlike the other diaries available on the web it will draw your attention to observing your poo. The improved IBS ibs diary will record:

• What you eat
• Condition and time of poo
• Pain, where it is and frequency

The point of this diary is when compiled you will be able to answer the classic questions your Doc will pose in investigating your IBS. You'll also gain insight into the likliness of your symptoms being correlated to food intolerance.When Ive developed a usefull format I'll put a free download of my improved IBS food diary so you help your doctor by giving him the right information.

He's asked me to come back in a month if the abdominal pain continues to bother me, It will and when I do see him in a month I'll have my Improved IBS diary to hand.

You want the truth you cant handle the truth. Oh yes i can I have my trusty improved ibs diary to hand will all the answers.

One red pill please

March 11th 2008 IBS blog

I've hit a point in my comedy odyssey where I just cant pretend anymore, I'm going to tell them what I really think. I really think celebrities are a drug, a drug which dulls us, distracts us from the real pain in our lives. Life is tough. Whilst my life feels like a struggle with apathy a battle to make the great escape, to escape a creative guantanamo bay I can ease the pain by watching celebrities on Ice or careers on thin ice if we'd prefer to be honest.

Celebrity lives seam immune from the banality of the every day. Whilst I flick through the Sky TV planner searching for distraction their lives are framed in bright light and fixed smiles. They sell an illusion. And its an illusion we need.

You take the blue pill, the story ends and you wake up believing whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and i show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Tonight I'm taking the red pill and when I stand infront of that audience tomorrow night I'm going to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Craig David makes guest appearance in the secret diary of an ibs sufferer

Zil (girlfriend) whizzed me off to Helmsley over the easter break for a chillaxing break amongst the seductive hills of the North Yorkshire Moors. We stayed over on Sunday night in the Royal Oak in the centre of Helmsley and headed off in the morning for walk to Riveaux Abbey. This walk is awsome. Follow the Cleveland way sign post in the car park and you follow a steady climb which rewards you with an outstanding view of Helmsley castle. From the open fields you then drop down into descend into a a heavily wooded basin which would look amis in Lord of the rings, it eally does feel mystical, the silence, the shades of green and the strips of light feeling through the trees persuades you you've entered a dreamscape. When You climb out of the basin you then walk a good 20mins along what can only be described as a mud slide. But dont endure it, half way along we noticed two walkers who had picked out a parallel route behind the tree line (smart arses) which we hastily joined. After walking on what fells like a plateau for 10 mins you then drop down into heavily wooded land with penentrating views of the forest. You then emerge onto a road which you turn left at past some fat sheep and Rieveaux abbey emerges on the right. I strongly recommend you take this walk, its no longer than 90mins and the reward of the Abbey is the piece de resistance or as they say in these parts the extra dollop of custard on your Parkin.

Now ive been pretty IBS symtom free for a couple of weeks but on Morning morning during a romatic embrace with Zil my guts felt like they'd been filled like a pipers bag except in this instace the sound out of my pipe would be no Amazing grace more likely an Amazing disgarce. So i confessed to Zil whilst we were in mid flow that I had IBS. I had to and I feel better for it and I urge anyone out there to do the same,hidding it just adds to the tension and if you go way on a romatic weekend and cant get over making a noisey poo in an adjacent en suite bathroom then your pipes will be crying out for a spoon full of Cillit Bang.

Play it again Craig David
Met Zil on Saturday
Took her for a drink on Sunday
We were making love on Monday
Until my ibs kicked in Monday and tuesday....